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/əˈtenSHən/
Notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important.
I am an observer of people. It's not because of my job, or because I'm working on an educational degree. I've just always been a natural people watcher. I am most curious about what makes people do the things that they do. I have a theory that people do the things they do to get attention from others. It doesn't even matter if the attention is positive or negative. Human beings of every age just want to feel valued. The way they feel valued is through attention. The way to feel devalued is through withholding affection and the silent treatment.
It's a very simple theory that can be explained away as common sense, yet I call it a theory because giving/paying attention is not common. In fact, it's rare. Many of us don't give the attention needed by our children, our significant others, our parents, our siblings, or even our co-workers/employees. In very extreme cases, this lack of attention is called neglect.
In reality, we often choose to ignore people that are desperately trying to get our attention. In desperation, those closest to us try to get our attention through acting out. This is easily seen among children. Many kids start acting out as soon as their parents start doing anything that's competing with their attention - reading, talking on the phone, working on the the computer, watching TV, or playing video games. Ironically, parents often ignore children having tantrums, depriving them of the opportunity to feel valued.
Why do we think it makes more sense to ignore people in order to correct behaviors, rather than giving them the attention they want in the first place and addressing the negative behavior? Burying our frustrations will create resentment, bitterness and anger. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just delays it. During the time the problem is delayed, it has likely grown exponentially.
The silent treatment is one way that people ignore and hurt the ones they love. By withholding love, affection and words, they are getting their revenge. Maroon 5 has a hit song called Misery:
I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me
Why won't you answer me
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl, your really got me bad
You really got me bad
Now, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back
Why do you do what you do to me
Why won't you answer me, answer me
I've been guilty of doing this more than I care to admit. Proverbs 24:29 says, "Do not say, 'I'll do to him as he has done to me; I'll pay that man back for what he did.'" Fighting silence with silence is not the best strategy. Emotional withdrawal is the opposite of courage - it's cowardly.
One tactic that has worked with our 4 year old is teaching him to use words and tell us when he wants us to pay attention to him. This gets him what he needs, and we usually avoid a meltdown. Notice I said usually. We're far from perfect parents, and we've been known to ignore his need for attention on more than one occasion, but we're very aware of this need and work on getting better every day.
As parents, we're quick to tell our kids to "use your words". We want them to work out their anger and sadness by talking to us instead of freaking out. If they talk about how they're feeling, they'll feel better and we as parents are better equipped to address their needs. As adults, many of us stop taking this advice, and we keep our emotions bottled up inside. We're afraid to ask for what we need. How do we expect our children to do as we say, but not as we do?
Do you focus your attention on the people you love? Do you make them feel valued and important? Do you make it known when you need attention from a loved one? If the silence is slowly killing you, break the silence by speaking up.
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