In loving memory

Foxy Lady
April 2000 - December 2012

A six year old once said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice.  Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

I said goodbye to my precious angel Foxy Lady today.  She would have been 13 in April.  My husband Michael gave her to me for my 21st birthday in July of 2000.  She was the size of the palm of my hand, and I was scared to death of having to take care of this tiny little creature.  We went everywhere looking for the perfect teacup Pomeranian.  The second we set eyes on Foxy, we knew she was the one.


She had such a bubbly, joyful and peaceful spirit.  She loved showing off, doing her "happy dance" and being told she was a good and pretty girl.  All she wanted to do was be held and loved.  When she was a puppy, she loved to scoot around at record speed with her butt touching the floor.  We were blessed to spend many years with her, and we enjoyed her so much.

When our son was born, she went through a little depression because for the first time in her life, she was not the center of attention.  Up until his birth, she had slept with us.  I remember her little white grinch feet smelled like Doritos.  In the last couple of years, she got slower and slept more, but was always in very good health.

This morning, my son called me to the dining room and showed me that Foxy was actually letting him pet her - a highly unusual activity.    I started praising her for being such a good girl, when I realized that she was non-coherent.  I took her to the vet as fast as I could, and she got better before she got worse.  We finally decided it was time to stop the suffering and had her put to sleep around 4:45pm.  We were all there when it happened, and were fortunate enough to have the chance to pray with her and love on her one last time.

I'm very thankful for the time we had together, and for having witnessed the perfect example of unconditional love.  Thank you Foxy.  I love you very much and I'll never forget you.

Author Unknown
	If a dog were your teacher These are some of the lessons you might learn... When loved ones come home, always run to greet them Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy When it's in your best interest practice obedience Let others know when they've invaded your territory Take naps and stretch before rising Run romp and play daily Thrive on attention and let people touch you Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do On warm days stop to lie on your back on the grass On hot days drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree When you're happy dance around and wag your entire body No matter how often you're scolded don't buy into the guilt thing and pout run right back and make friends Delight in the simple joy of a long walk Eat with gusto and enthusiasm Stop when you have had enough Be loyal Never pretend to be something you're not If what you want lies buried dig until you find it When someone is having a bad day be silent ..... ...sit close by ...and nuzzle them gently.

Your Silence is Slowly Killing Me

Credit

at·ten·tion
/əˈtenSHən/
Notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important.

I am an observer of people.  It's not because of my job, or because I'm working on an educational degree. I've just always been a natural people watcher. I am most curious about what makes people do the things that they do. I have a theory that people do the things they do to get attention from others. It doesn't even matter if the attention is positive or negative. Human beings of every age just want to feel valued. The way they feel valued is through attention.  The way to feel devalued is through withholding affection and the silent treatment.

It's a very simple theory that can be explained away as common sense, yet I call it a theory because giving/paying attention is not common. In fact, it's rare.  Many of us don't give the attention needed by our children, our significant others, our parents, our siblings, or even our co-workers/employees. In very extreme cases, this lack of attention is called neglect.

In reality, we often choose to ignore people that are desperately trying to get our attention. In desperation, those closest to us try to get our attention through acting out. This is easily seen among children. Many kids start acting out as soon as their parents start doing anything that's competing with their attention - reading, talking on the phone, working on the the computer, watching TV, or playing video games. Ironically, parents often ignore children having tantrums, depriving them of the opportunity to feel valued.

Why do we think it makes more sense to ignore people in order to correct behaviors, rather than giving them the attention they want in the first place and addressing the negative behavior? Burying our frustrations will create resentment, bitterness and anger. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away, it just delays it. During the time the problem is delayed, it has likely grown exponentially.  

The silent treatment is one way that people ignore and hurt the ones they love. By withholding love, affection and words, they are getting their revenge. Maroon 5 has a hit song called Misery:

I am in misery
There ain't nobody who can comfort me
Why won't you answer me
Your silence is slowly killing me

Girl, your really got me bad
You really got me bad
Now, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back

Why do you do what you do to me
Why won't you answer me, answer me

I've been guilty of doing this more than I care to admit.  Proverbs 24:29 says, "Do not say, 'I'll do to him as he has done to me; I'll pay that man back for what he did.'"  Fighting silence with silence is not the best strategy. Emotional withdrawal is the opposite of courage - it's cowardly.

One tactic that has worked with our 4 year old is teaching him to use words and tell us when he wants us to pay attention to him. This gets him what he needs, and we usually avoid a meltdown. Notice I said usually. We're far from perfect parents, and we've been known to ignore his need for attention on more than one occasion, but we're very aware of this need and work on getting better every day.

As parents, we're quick to tell our kids to "use your words".  We want them to work out their anger and sadness by talking to us instead of freaking out. If they talk about how they're feeling, they'll feel better and we as parents are better equipped to address their needs. As adults, many of us stop taking this advice, and we keep our emotions bottled up inside. We're afraid to ask for what we need. How do we expect our children to do as we say, but not as we do?

Do you focus your attention on the people you love?  Do you make them feel valued and important?  Do you make it known when you need attention from a loved one?  If the silence is slowly killing you, break the silence by speaking up.

Ice Cold Feedback

If you've ever had ice cold water thrown at you, or witnessed a coach getting a cooler of ice dumped on him or her, you're familiar with the shocked reaction that follows.  I recently received some feedback at work that felt like I had a cooler of ice water thrown at me when I least expected it. 

It was brought to my attention, in a very aggressive way, that because I prematurely forwarded a document, there was a perception that I was trying to take credit for other people's work.


I later had a chance to meet with the person that had provided me with the ice cold feedback.  This time, there was much less anger and hostility towards me, and much more care.  I knew there had to have been more to the story because anger is a secondary emotion that is usually brought on by hurt feelings. The person that gave me the feedback apologized, and acknowledged that it was premature to have jumped to conclusions about me without having more information.  

As shocking as it was to have this perception revealed to me, I was very grateful for the "carefrontation" because there are many people that jump to conclusions but never share their opinions, eliminating the opportunity to clear the air, or get rid of doubts/hard feelings.  I first learned the term carefrontation when I was working for a company called TEKsystems in 1999. There was a policy in place that required employees to confront each other with care whenever feelings had been hurt.  This particular carefrontation not only sharpened my edge, it also established a new foundation that will make our working relationship much stronger moving forward. 

Everybody has the right to their own perceptions, opinions, criticisms and feedback. Perceptions are created based on perspectives.  Perspectives are created by attitudes. Attitudes are shaped by values.  This lesson showed me just how different my reality can be from other people's, and I need to work on meeting people where they are. I try to live my life assuming positive intent, and finding the good in every situation, although it can be really difficult sometimes, and annoying to others.

It's so much easier to think that people are genuinely trying to do the right thing rather than thinking everybody's out to get you and has a hidden agenda. As a result of my perspective, I've been called a Pollyanna - and not as a compliment. I've had plenty of people poke fun at my rose-colored glasses.  Herm Albright once said, "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort".    I think it also helps enough people to make it worth the effort.  Practice looking for the bright side, assuming good intent and carefronting people.  It could change your perspective for the better.

Devil Inside

INXS is an 80s band that wrote a hit song called Devil Inside.  The lead singer of INXS, Michael Hutchence, committed suicide at the age of 37 in 1997.  I remember this because I was a senior in high school and had always liked his music.  He left behind a one year old daughter named Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence - they called her Tiger Lily for short.  In 2000, Tiger Lily's mother died of an accidental drug overdose.  4 year old Tiger found her body. 

As I was watching the coverage on the news about the elementary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut where 26 people lost their lives at the hand of a demented 20 year old shooter, the INXS song kept playing in my head:

"The devil inside, the devil inside
Every single one of us the devil inside
The devil inside, the devil inside
Every single one of us the devil inside

Here come the world, with the look in its eye
Future uncertain, but certainly slight
Look at the faces, listen to the bells
It's hard to believe we need a place called hell, place called hell"

The killer slayed 20 innocent elementary aged children.   Countless other children witnessed the horrors. And this all happened right before Christmas. I can't even begin to imagine what the long-term impact of this senseless tragedy will be, but I pray that something good can come from all this evil.   My heart goes out to the family and friends of the victims.  My thoughts and prayers are with them.

We are a society that is in desperate need of connection. School shootings are starting to become a staple in the evening news. What is wrong with us?  When will we see that our lack of connection and relationship with God and each other is creating this increase is psychological issues.   Only God can remove "the devil inside".

My four year old saw that I was upset as I was watching the news coverage and he asked why I was so sad. I told him I was sad because of the bad things that happen. He said, "what bad things?", and the innocence of his question stirred my soul.  Little children have no idea what evils lurk.   It is our responsibility to love them unconditionally and teach them that only God is in control.   When God lives in your heart, there can be no devil inside.  Romans 12:21 says "Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good".

Gentle Honesty

I struggle with gentle honesty.  Gracious candor is a weakness for me, and one that I'm trying to overcome with every interaction.  I don't shy away from confrontation, or telling people what I perceive to be the truth.  However, my approach could use some serious work.

Sometimes in my quest to unload what I feel, I forget that the harshness and insensitivity of my words can really hurt the other person.  The worst part of all is that I have the best intentions, but my impact is not what I was hoping to achieve.  I don't want to be perceived as bossy, judgmental or critical.  But most of all, I don't want to hurt the people that I love.

I recently hurt someone that I love very much with my harsh words. I commented on something that was none of my business, and I was so busy getting it off my chest that I wasn't considerate of the other person's feelings.  I apologized right away, but realized that this is an ugly theme in my life that I need to change.  I have a lot of growing to do, and I'm grateful for every new day, because with each new day comes a chance to do better than the day before.

I'm hopeful that we all keep in mind daily that we're not even close to being perfect.  We all have opportunities for growth and maturity.  This is one of mine.  For those of you I've hurt with my words, and you know who you are, I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.  Please forgive me.  I promise to work on being more thoughtful and delivering my truth in love, instead of right between the eyes.

Impeccable Honesty

I've been dealing with a lice infestation. About a month ago, my son's preschool posted a notice that there had been an incident of lice with one of the children.  When my son frantically started scratching his head, my mom became suspicious.  Sure enough - she found lice! As soon as I knew, I left work, picked him up, and immediately started doing what all parents do when this happens to them:  major disinfection, a lice treatment, and a drastic haircut.

Because misery loves company, I shared what had happened with several people.  Many of them empathized with me having gone through this themselves, and innocently suggested that I treat him and send him to school without saying a word about the incident.  There was a good chance that his school wouldn't let him back in before the Christmas break.  I didn't realize just how negative the stigma is associated with lice.  The irony with this is that almost everyone has gone through their own lice battles, and lice prefer clean hair over dirty hair.  Why are we so ashamed to talk about lice?  Why the lies about lice?  I was faced with a choice. Would I, too, tell lice lies?

We all know that half truths and anything but the truth are technically lies, but it seems harmless enough.  My integrity was being challenged, but I knew what to do.  If other parents had spoken up about the lice, perhaps my son could have been spared this outbreak.  I knew I wanted to be part of the cure, not part of the disease (for you Coldplay fans, you'll recognize that last sentence is a line from the song Clocks, one of my favorites).  I didn't want to be dishonest.  I strive for impeccable honesty.  Notice I said "strive".  Like everyone else, I fall short.  But this time, I wanted to take a stand.

Clayton Christensen wrote a great book called How Will You Measure Your Life.  In this book, he talks about some of his life lessons.  One of the lessons is that it's easier to stick to your convictions 100% of the time, than it is 98% of the time.  In his book, he says "Many of us have convinced ourselves that we are able to break our own personal rules 'just this once'.  In our minds, we can justify these small choices.  None of those things, when they first happen, feels like a life-changing decision.  The marginal costs are almost always low.  But each of those decisions can roll up into a much bigger picture, turning you into the kind of person you never wanted to be."

For me, telling the whole truth on the lice thing was actually liberating.  I stuck to my guns, aired my dirty laundry, and felt good about it.  So what if some misinformed people think my family's hygiene is below average.  I care much more about sticking to my morals than what other people might think.  It's a daily challenge, but knowing what I stand for, and then aspiring to stick with it 100% of the time, is worthwhile.
Proverbs 3: 3-4 says "Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart."

Sharpened Edge

We all have desires to be better and do more. That desire has been labeled lots of things: initiative, ambition, inspiration, drive, even mojo. I once heard a story about a man that gave his protégé a switchblade as a gift. In the box, there was a card that read "remember to always keep your edge".

Having edge, and being edgy, are two very different concepts.  Being edgy means you're anxious, tense and irritable. Having edge means having an advantage, confidence, a sense of adventure, and the desire to try new things. It can also mean rebellion and going against the grain. In essence, it's someone who likes to shake things up. In the corporate world, it's challenging the status quo... the way things have always been.

We all have an edge, but some people's edges are sharper than others. This isn't by happenstance or accident. It's very intentional.  All knives will eventually get dull if you don't sharpen them.  They can get so dull that they become useless.  We, too, must work to keep our edge and stay sharp.

We're born with edge - God given abilities and talents. For most of us, these gifts emerged when we were children. Gifts are nurtured, encouraged and challenged by people in our lives. When our "edge" isn't sharpened, we lose it, and become dull. What we lose is our hopes, our desires, and our ability to dream. 

Surround yourself with people that will sharpen your edge. This isn't just people that love and encourage you, it's also people that drive you nuts because they challenge you and create discomfort.  It's during these tough interactions that we learn the most about ourselves,and our opportunities for improvement.  

Just like a blade can't sharpen itself, you can't sharpen your edge on your own. In Proverbs 27:17, King Solomon reveals how to sharpen your edge: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

Fear

Fear is an interesting emotion,and one that not too many people talk about openly.  I think being fearless is about as possible as being perfect. We teach our children, especially boys, that having fear (or admitting it) equates to being weak. What better way to face your fears than to talk about them. Robert Leahy wrote a book titled Anxiety Free, in which he discusses how we came to live in the "age of anxiety." The average child today, he says, has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the 1950s.

According to Wikipedia, some of the most common fears include public speaking, death, intimacy, heights, snakes, spiders, rejection, failure, enclosed spaces and even clowns. I can honestly say that I don't fear any of the most common fears, but I do have a fear that is probably more common than I know, but not often discussed.  I have a fear of dementia.

In 1999, when I was 19, I had the opportunity to study abroad in Europe.  I was living in Verona, Italy, and was blessed to travel throughout Italy, and its surrounding countries.  It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I hope to never forget.  I was so acutely aware of this opportunity, and so grateful for it, that I kept a journal of my experiences.  Since then, I've been keeping journals.

In 2004, I watched a film named The Notebook, which is based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks. The film is about a young couple that fell in love in the 1940s.  The story is told by an elderly man in a nursing home reading from a notebook to an elderly woman, a patient in the nursing home.  The woman who is hearing the story has dementia, and does not realize that the story she's hearing is the story of her life being told to her by the love of her life.  At that moment, I realized why I write.  When my grandmother on my father's side passed away, she was nearly 100 years old, and was no longer able to recognize her own children.  I write because I never want to forget.  

Carla Harris wrote a wonderful book called Expect to Win.  In this book, she says that F-E-A-R stands for False Evidence of things Appearing Real.  Timothy 2:9 says "God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, courage, and a sound mind".  The best way to dissolve and transform fear is to face it.  Heightened awareness of fear makes it less scary, and talking about fear with people you trust and love helps your realize that you're not alone.

I love my life and the culmination of experiences that I've been fortunate enough to have up to this moment.  Ironically, I've had the opportunity to face this fear head on.  After having my son in 2008, I fell ill and it caused some memory loss.  I continue to be less and less afraid of memory loss because it's already happened to me (to a small extent) and everything turned out just fine.